Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
