In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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