I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
