Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
