I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
