just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
