i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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