you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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