Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
