This is not my ceiling
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
