Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
