just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My Higher Power is John Stamos
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
