be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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