She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
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