I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
