I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
