Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
