Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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