Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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