in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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