We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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