You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
