What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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