i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
