peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
