Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
