i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When are your genitals available?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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