i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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