My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
