He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
