I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
