I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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