my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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