I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
