wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Let's get the cat blown out
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
