if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize