Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
