I wish they made helmets for livers.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
