The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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