I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
