Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
