Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
