I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
