i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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