My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
