Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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