just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
