There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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