I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
