If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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