dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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