his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My vagina is very pro this idea
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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