all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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