It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
