...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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