Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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