he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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