you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
