i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
